The Onion imagines Stephen King helping Bangor PD with homicidal car

Satirical news website The Onion yesterday posted a story that’s just about as Bangor as they come. With the headline, “Bangor Police Bring In Stephen King To Help Track Demonic Car That Killed Woman,” how can you not want to click on it?

The story imagines Stephen King as a grizzled, jaded private investigator of sorts, called in to assist the Bangor Police Department with tracking down a demonic, homicidal car (think “Christine”).

“Let me guess: It looks like a classic hit-and-run, but the car that mowed her down didn’t leave a trace of physical evidence,” King said as he arrived at the crime scene, lifting the caution tape with his cane and hobbling toward a group of officers. “The victim has a boyfriend, but you already talked to him, and he’s got an airtight alibi for the night in question and no record of criminal history. So you’ve got no means, no motive, and no opportunity—all of which means you’re screwed, even before you take into account the fact that you’re dealing with the insatiable appetite for murder that inhabits the souls of the damned.”

 

Read the full story here. We got a good laugh from it.

It’s not the first time Maine or Stephen King have been the target of The Onion’s satire, or for The Onion’s sister site, Clickhole. Here are some other gems:

— You Are The Cannibal Lobster-Man Of New England. Can You Become The Governor Of Maine?

— Horror Fans Rejoice! Stephen King’s Novel ‘The Skeleton That Stood On Top Of A Van And Then Waved At A Bird And Stole A Traffic Cone’ Is Finally Getting Turned Into A Movie!

Emily Burnham

About Emily Burnham

Emily Burnham is a Maine native, UMaine graduate, proud Bangorian and a writer and editor for Bangor Metro Magazine, the Weekly and the Bangor Daily News, where she's worked since 2004. She reports on everything from local bands to local food to all the cool things going on in the Greater Bangor area. In her quest for stories, she's seen countless concerts and plays, been lobster fishing, interviewed celebrities, hung out with water buffalo and played in a ukulele orchestra. She's interested in everything that happens in Maine. Albums for review are accepted digitally only; please no CDs.